Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is one of the most helpful aspects of DBT (if I’ve understood it correctly).

In essence radical acceptance is the ability to accept a person as they are, including their behaviours and difficulties and, at the same time, without undermining that acceptance pushing for change.

I guess that’s as clear as mud?  I’ll try again….

In response to intense emotions I cut myself.  This behaviour works.  It diffuses and reduces the emotions leaving me able to function more normally.  A DBT therapist will (and I’ve yet to get to this bit with Joy) will accept that in the light of past experience this is a logical response because it is a tried and tested coping strategy.  The therapist will still promote change by giving alternative skills to use in similar situations.  I guess the end result will be when in that situation I will have more than one option of how to deal with it instead of going straight to my cutting kit.

I really like the sound of radical acceptance simply because the last time I tried CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), much as it made some sense, the starting premise of “You have faulty thinking – your thoughts are wrong – if you had better thoughts you wouldn’t be in this state” was very destructive.  After a few weeks of trying with limited success, and on-going pressure to purge my head of all kinds of distorted thoughts, catastrophising and negative thinking I was ready to quit.  Quit not just the therapy, but life itself.  How could I change thoughts and ideas that were true, into lies (however positive they may seem).  How could I kid myself into being someone I am not.  My failure to grasp these skills just proved the hopelessness of my ability to change and increased the self-hatred and despair I often live with.  Not good!

It is a tragedy for me that knowledge is not the answer.  In my head I understand the concept of radical acceptance and much of what DBT is about – but I can’t live it.  Knowledge without skill is useless.

Trying = Failure?

Why is it so difficult to accept praise?  I even noted on here that I did well in my post “The self Sooth Box” when I said “definitely a pat on the back moment!”

When I last saw Joy and she asked if I’d thought anymore about the self sooth box, I told her.  I explained that I’d made one, tried it out and it had actually helped by delaying and in turn preventing a cutting episode.

She was really pleased and I couldn’t bear it.  She said she was going to tell the rest of the team how well I’d done.  I wanted to shout at her not to but I didn’t feel I should.  (In DBT the therapists work as a team and although you have one therapist to one client, the skills-training is delivered by all the therapists in turn.  Also, one of the key aspects of DBT is the shared load philosophy of the team.  I am their client, and Joy is my keyworker).

I ended up crying because she was so pleased.  To do so well, even before the DBT has properly started means I am doomed to fail and let them down.  I have raised expectations of my ability and so increased the disappointment in me that they will experience when it all goes pear shaped.  Their disappointment will increase my own sense of failure …..

"Negative thinking," I hear you say.  "Self-fulfilling prophecy,  catastrophising!"  I know all the lingo.  I’ve done the CBT stuff.  It helps to a point but the change is never robust enough to withstand life over time.  The fall comes and everything is worse than before.  This has been my experience with CBT and psychodynamic counselling.  I start well, they do help, and then it all goes horribly wrong. 

Starting DBT is a huge risk for me.  I want to make it work for me, forever.  I want to recover on a permanent basis.  The reading I’ve done suggests this is not an unrealistic goal.  My experience tells me that though it is possible for some, I will fail  in just the same way as when dieting.  Some people can do it, but me, I start off well and then my success fizzles out leaving me in a worse state than I was before.  I am haunted by this pattern.  I want to break it, but I am not sure if I can.

Joy says this time is different.  I have never had long term support before.  I won’t have to go it alone before I am able.  I hope she is right!