Happy Ever After

Sometimes I immediately know what I want to write.  This is not one of those occasions.  For more than a week now I have not been able to decide what to write.  Things are happening and have happened, so it isn’t that there is no stimulus for ideas.  It is just me in a “stuck” patch.  My plan to “unstuck” myself (re. writing at least) is this: keep writing until it turns into something readable.

Since my last blog I have had two DBT appointments and been on holiday.  I have a shed load of work to do compiling and editing a book ready for publication as soon as possible.  I have to complete an online maths course, and I am struggling to make sense of it (that’s an understatement by the way – the bit I am on is gobbeldy-gook to me).  This in turn has a serious impact on my future plans – if I can’t get to grips with this bit of maths than I’ll have to do a complete re-think.  We are part way through doing some serious decorating.  My dog smells and needs a major bath and groom.  The house is a mess, and I am in a “stuck” patch.  Not good!

Disneyland (or the idea of it) is a place where people tend to stand either in the “love it” or “hate it” camps – I don’t meet many people who stand in the middle ground.  I love roller-coasters and theme parks so despite finding crowded places difficult I am in the love it camp along with Jenny and her older brothers and sisters.  Jo is firmly in the hate it camp – or he thought so anyway.

We have just returned from Disneyland Paris.  Jo is a Disneyland convert.  Despite his dislike of rides and theme parks he actually had a really good time.  I even have a photo of him laughing and smiling on a ride!  For me it excelled all my expectations.  The rides, being built into a set became an intense experience rather than just a ride.  The atmosphere exudes the Disney ideal of happy ever after and the baddies getting their come-uppance.  It is like a bubble, or a parallel universe of fun.  During the evening sound and light show I was so mesmerised it was like being a child where Disney cartoons reflect real life and you still expect there to be a happy ever after.

I think my current stuckness relates to that escape from reality.  I don’t want to be back!  I know the Disney experience is not real life.  Real life is a slog.  There are more tragedies, hardships, disappointments and injustices than happy ever afters.  Real life is hard and it hurts.  It hurts so much I feel I can’t bear it.  I have to do whatever works to ease that distress.  For me that is self-harm of one sort or another.

This is changing however.  I have only just started my DBT adventure and already I have embryonic skills that have helped me reduce self-harm without denying or repressing those urges.  Perhaps through DBT, with hard work and support from the team I might be able to find my own bit of genuine  “happy ever after”.