Who Am I?

1.      Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

So, what I’m about to explain is part of the package – that doesn’t make it any easier to live with.  Well, actually it did at first, when I got the formal diagnosis.  At that time as I read up on it, suddenly things slotted into place and it made some sense of my whole life.  Once I got over the buzz of enlightenment life was just as difficult as before.

The trouble with experiencing and responding to life with the intensity us Borderliners feel is that it frequently gets exhausting and overwhelming.  Managing the complexities of relationships and responsibilities just at home is tiring, add to that work, friends, the general public, staff in shops and services, mental health workers and neighbours it is all too much.

I have developed a strategy for dealing with this.  I think everyone does it to some extent, but I get the impression I do it to a greater extent than the general population.  I live my life through different versions of myself for different contexts – a bit like wearing slippers in the house,  wellies for going out in the mud and trainers when going for a run.  The descriptions below are just snapshots because I really can’t explain it fully.  Now, before I introduce you I will apologise to all teachers and grammar pedants for the switches between first person and third person text.  Please accept this as an illustration of how difficult this is to explain with any clarity.  That said; let me introduce you to the most definable of my Pennys.

Penny 1.  My Private Self.

She is very shy and experiences a raw, ragged, screaming emotional pain much of the time.  For the most part this is kept inside her and does not get shown to others.  She shares herself with Joe (husband) and John (CPN) more than anyone else.  Sometimes the internal screaming gets too much and she needs to release the pressure through self-harm.   She spends a lot of time wishing she would die to end the distress, and simultaneously feeling guilty because she doesn’t want to hurt or let down her husband and daughter. 

When something “triggering happens”, a rejection, an altercation with call centre staff, an injustice against her, Penny 1 escapes into the open.  This is bad news.  At these times all the intensity, pain and scary thoughts escape in a tsunami of distress.  She may become suicidal on these occasions and it is probably as distressing for anyone around her as it is for me.  The thing is, like a tsunami, it will pass and the secret is minimising the damage while it happens.  I/Penny 1 need to not be alone at those times so I don’t act on my thoughts when in that emotional state.  Ideally, the person with me will know that it will pass and not to panic – I would prefer not to go for assessment at the hospital for in all probability by the time I got there things will be easing off.  I think these are the worst BPD moments for me.  I am out of control, over the top, a complete embarrassment to myself, a pain to anyone around me and helpless to stop once it starts.

Penny 2.  My Family Self

This one is the trickiest to explain.  She is made up of aspects of all the others, and she is probably the least predictable.  This is because I do my very best not to fake, and to be the best mum and wife I can be at the same time.  These two are fairly incongruous a lot of the time because in not faking, my private self can take over making me over reactive, unpredictable in mood, irritable, unmotivated etc.  If this happens I fail at being available, consistent in love and care, actively involved with my fair share of chores and so on.  However, when I do manage it she’s pretty good.

Penny 3.  My Social Self

When she is strong Penny 3 is fun, friendly and good to be around.  She is alert to the feelings and moods of others and easily gets alongside people if they are out of sorts.  Social self though a little shy can chat and once relaxed be cheeky and humorous.  However, when Penny 1 is fighting with her she finds it hard to sustain her presence very long.  Once she’s run out of steam Penny 1 will take over and I will become anxious, too quiet, agitated and uptight.  

Penny 4.  My Professional Self

Penny 4 is confident, competent, calm, calculating (and likes alliteration).  She is clear thinking and creative being able to see a problem and offer a solution in a moment.  She can have an idea, bring it to the table and make it happen.  If she could be like that all the time she would be a millionaire with a multi-national business!  The trouble with Penny 4 is that she is drains all her energy and resources with one short burst leaving the other Penny’s with nothing.  Two hours of work and there’s trouble at home and no point trying to be sociable even if she wants to be.