Trying = Failure?

Why is it so difficult to accept praise?  I even noted on here that I did well in my post “The self Sooth Box” when I said “definitely a pat on the back moment!”

When I last saw Joy and she asked if I’d thought anymore about the self sooth box, I told her.  I explained that I’d made one, tried it out and it had actually helped by delaying and in turn preventing a cutting episode.

She was really pleased and I couldn’t bear it.  She said she was going to tell the rest of the team how well I’d done.  I wanted to shout at her not to but I didn’t feel I should.  (In DBT the therapists work as a team and although you have one therapist to one client, the skills-training is delivered by all the therapists in turn.  Also, one of the key aspects of DBT is the shared load philosophy of the team.  I am their client, and Joy is my keyworker).

I ended up crying because she was so pleased.  To do so well, even before the DBT has properly started means I am doomed to fail and let them down.  I have raised expectations of my ability and so increased the disappointment in me that they will experience when it all goes pear shaped.  Their disappointment will increase my own sense of failure …..

"Negative thinking," I hear you say.  "Self-fulfilling prophecy,  catastrophising!"  I know all the lingo.  I’ve done the CBT stuff.  It helps to a point but the change is never robust enough to withstand life over time.  The fall comes and everything is worse than before.  This has been my experience with CBT and psychodynamic counselling.  I start well, they do help, and then it all goes horribly wrong. 

Starting DBT is a huge risk for me.  I want to make it work for me, forever.  I want to recover on a permanent basis.  The reading I’ve done suggests this is not an unrealistic goal.  My experience tells me that though it is possible for some, I will fail  in just the same way as when dieting.  Some people can do it, but me, I start off well and then my success fizzles out leaving me in a worse state than I was before.  I am haunted by this pattern.  I want to break it, but I am not sure if I can.

Joy says this time is different.  I have never had long term support before.  I won’t have to go it alone before I am able.  I hope she is right!