Inconvenience

I am an inconvenience!

I don’t want to be.  I don’t try to be, in fact I actually try not to be – yet I am still an inconvenience.

This was true at home as a child – I caused my brother to be violent towards me and then when he hurt me I didn’t even have the decency to be quiet about it so the neighbours complained about my screaming.

It was true at school when I couldn’t or wouldn’t fit in with my peers.

It has been true in work and voluntary organisations I’ve been involved with.  When I see injustice and discrimination to myself or others I won’t tolerate it and choose to be an inconvenience to the antagonist.  In those circumstances I can be as inconvenient as a stone in your shoe when you need to run for a bus.  Being an inconvenience is not always a bad thing, not when it means you are a catalyst for positive change.

Just now however, I am simply an inconvenient inconvenience for Joy.  She has real difficulty finding a slot where she can offer me my weekly DBT appointment.  Her schedule is far too pressured to take into account my needs and personal circumstances.  Last time we met she offered me an appointment that was impossible.  She had offered me this slot before and I had explained quite clearly that the slot she proposed was totally impractical for me as it was after school finishing time and I have no child care.  Therefore, when she suggested it the following week I was disappointed that she had not listened to me.  She muttered about having to swap this and that and change other people’s appointments to slot me in at an earlier time.  After which I thought we agreed that for the most part this new slot would be a regular time and day so that in future I can make it and she doesn’t have to get flustered changing things round.

Today Joy called because she needed to cancel my appointment.  That’s ok – things happen and plans have to be changed.  The bit that has got to me is her comment,

“I’ll call you tomorrow to arrange another time!”  I thought it was arranged – same time, same place, next week!  No doubt she will offer me another, equally impossible time as she made it clear last time that she really didn’t have any other slots I could have, and the one she eventually changed it to was a hassle for her.

I don’t quite get the problem really.  When not doing home visits she is based in the building I attend.  I only need an hour of her time.  It doesn’t seem like rocket science to me that she could block me in for a regular slot.   

You may think at this point I am being a little selfish – why should I have my own slot and other people fit in around me?  The reason is this.  The geographical area that Joy covers and is based in is the opposite side of the county to where I live.  It’s a 50 minute drive there and 50 minutes back again.  I am her only DBT client, and as such I am her only client who does not live in her patch and has such a long way to travel.  I don’t think a bit of flexibility is inappropriate in the circumstances.

Why oh why oh why didn’t they link me with a keyworker based in my side of the county?  

Oh yes, I forgot – living where I do, I am just an inconvenience.

Rant over!

Trying = Failure?

Why is it so difficult to accept praise?  I even noted on here that I did well in my post “The self Sooth Box” when I said “definitely a pat on the back moment!”

When I last saw Joy and she asked if I’d thought anymore about the self sooth box, I told her.  I explained that I’d made one, tried it out and it had actually helped by delaying and in turn preventing a cutting episode.

She was really pleased and I couldn’t bear it.  She said she was going to tell the rest of the team how well I’d done.  I wanted to shout at her not to but I didn’t feel I should.  (In DBT the therapists work as a team and although you have one therapist to one client, the skills-training is delivered by all the therapists in turn.  Also, one of the key aspects of DBT is the shared load philosophy of the team.  I am their client, and Joy is my keyworker).

I ended up crying because she was so pleased.  To do so well, even before the DBT has properly started means I am doomed to fail and let them down.  I have raised expectations of my ability and so increased the disappointment in me that they will experience when it all goes pear shaped.  Their disappointment will increase my own sense of failure …..

"Negative thinking," I hear you say.  "Self-fulfilling prophecy,  catastrophising!"  I know all the lingo.  I’ve done the CBT stuff.  It helps to a point but the change is never robust enough to withstand life over time.  The fall comes and everything is worse than before.  This has been my experience with CBT and psychodynamic counselling.  I start well, they do help, and then it all goes horribly wrong. 

Starting DBT is a huge risk for me.  I want to make it work for me, forever.  I want to recover on a permanent basis.  The reading I’ve done suggests this is not an unrealistic goal.  My experience tells me that though it is possible for some, I will fail  in just the same way as when dieting.  Some people can do it, but me, I start off well and then my success fizzles out leaving me in a worse state than I was before.  I am haunted by this pattern.  I want to break it, but I am not sure if I can.

Joy says this time is different.  I have never had long term support before.  I won’t have to go it alone before I am able.  I hope she is right!