Base camp

If this is what pre-commitment is like, then what the blazes am I letting myself in for doing DBT?  Session three was hard!

Of course hard and bad are entirely different things.  Last week, after session two I was on the verge of pulling out.  Last week was bad.  This week, I think I am up for the journey.  The session was hard but I am left feeling that there might be a way forward after all.

I made a choice this week, after last week’s session and the awful few days that followed.  I chose to give Joy a chance and allowed myself to be very honest with her – even to the point of admitting I’d failed to achieve my goals in a big way and that I felt one of the exercises we tried was a bit stupid.  For me it was an immensely massive risk that paid off.  Joy was okay about it and now I can go at a more manageable pace.

The DBT path still looks huge, daunting and so high I can’t see the top of the mountain.  Above the tree line there are sharp rocks and snow.  I pray there is a trail to scramble and I won’t have to actually climb – but I can’t see it.  The snow vanishes into the clouds.  It looks extremely steep.  The lower mountain is clad with trees – a tightly packed forest that lets little light in.  It smells musty, damp and it’s so quiet.  All sound is muffled as if I am trapped in a box.  It is terrifying.  It is an adventure.

In my twenties I was hooked on outdoor pursuits.  I loved rock climbing and especially white water kayaking.  I took up kayaking because I was scared of water.  Even then I lived with the BPD tension of wanting to die and wanting to overcome.  Kayaking was the ideal solution.  Either I overcame the fear or I died in the attempt.  That’s probably not entirely logical, but it made sense at the time.  The outcome was that I became pretty good at Kayaking (level 4 inland and sea).  I reached a stage where I could not push myself beyond my fear to stretch my skills any further.  I had overcome my fear as far as I possibly could (and I was still scared of big water).

Somehow, I need to find that adventurous spirit again so I can take some big risks and push myself well out of what is comfortable to reach the top of my mountain.