In at the deep end....

I feel like I’ve been run over by a double decker bus.  I’m exhausted, wrung out and would either like to curl up and hide somewhere or weep in a corner. 

I’m not used to a therapist like Joy.  Joy says it’s ok to feel overwhelmed – that’s the purpose of the pre-commitment therapy, to build a foundation and rapport with the therapist that makes it possible to succeed with an intensive therapy like DBT. 

To me Joy lacks a softness in her approach.  For example, John would challenge me on something, even lecture me – but he’d soften it with a comment like “I bet you think I’m picking on you now?”  I would say yes, and then we could negotiate.  Joy bulldozes on!  I know what she says is right, and I would like to achieve the things she is suggesting – but it all feels too much too fast.

She keeps saying to me that “it’s up to me” and “it’s ok to negotiate”, and to tell her what is realistic for me etc. but it doesn’t ring true.  I feel pushed.

I don’t know if you are familiar with speech act theory.  It is basically the action a phrase or word provokes rather than the meaning of the words in a literal sense.  Let me give you an example:  Someone walks in through a door leaving it open.  I say,

“Were you born in a barn?”  The person shuts the door.  The speech act was shutting the door (the action triggered by the words).  Literal meaning is irrelevant – I had no desire to know whether that person was born in a barn, hospital or anywhere else.  The purpose of the words was an action and not a question or even a direct request.

Joy is a master of this!  For example, in my anxiety I shredded a bit of paper I was holding into 2mm square bits which were dropping everywhere by the time I’d finished.  She said,

“There’s a bin over there.  You can put them in if you want to – it’s completely up to you!”  I complied with the required action and put them in the bin.  I went on to peel my fingers instead.   

Perhaps it will all feel a little less overwhelming tomorrow.