On A Cliff Edge...

Back in January, in an “Up” moment and aware of our financial precariousness, I applied for two jobs.  Much to my surprise I was invited to two interviews.

The first interview, as it loomed towards me got me thinking.  I realised that being committed to regular hours would, at the moment, be setting myself up to fail.  There was no way I could manage set hours plus DBT, which when it starts properly will involve 3 hours a week of therapy in a two hour and a separate one hour session, plus a minimum of three hours travelling time, plus homework, plus recovery from the emotional battering it seems to be creating.  I therefore withdrew my application. I felt pretty rubbish that with the equivalent of 2 degrees and years and years of professional experience I can’t even manage a simple job.

I was just swinging into a big low over this when the second invite to interview arrived.  This job gave me the option to choose from week to week how many hours I work and therefore the scope to work around my ups and downs.  I decided to attend the interview.  

At the interview my professional self graced me with her presence and so it went very well.  The upshot is I have been offed a job subject to CRB check (which I know is OK) and occupational health approval.

Occupational health approval!  Terrifying!  I know they are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of a diagnosis alone.   They can only turn me down on health grounds if the specific job would make me a danger/risk to myself or others.  What if they interpret my history of self-harm a  “a risk to me?”  If they do I am probably barred from working for years till I can prove it is a habit from the past (which it isn’t yet – but I am working on it through the DBT).  What if, bearing in mind the reputation a BPD label has, they just find an excuse to say no?

I don’t deal with rejection well.  I cope with failure even less helpfully.  When faced with being judged unfairly or discriminated against, I am a disaster!  

I feel as if I am standing on a cliff edge, waiting to be pushed off.

More Impact - Anxiety, work and travel...

1.      Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

2.      Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

Those are the criteria today’s blog mostly relates to.  The anxiety part of this is a bit confusing because I have a concurrent diagnosis of depression and Anxiety.  I think the BPD version of this is marked by its sudden impact and intensity as opposed to when it’s anxiety for its own sake which persists without ceasing for periods of time and builds up. 

 

It’s usually triggered by a relationship.  An individual (friend or stranger) may look at me negatively, or speak to me in an unfriendly or disparaging tone of voice and I will know that I am despised and hated.  Someone might giggle as I walk past or start whispering.  I know this sounds paranoid, and perhaps sometimes it is – however, it has been true on other occasions so my reactions are not without logic.

This this will affect the way I outwardly respond to the person or people (and that’s for discussion another day), it will also trigger an internal response which includes the usual anxiety symptoms of palpitations, nausea, lack of sleep, thinking too much about it, inability to settle etc.  often, in a situation where this has happened once, I will struggle to put myself back in that context.

For example, a while ago I had the opportunity to join in regular professional acting workshops in my area of expertise.  It involved a 50 minute train journey there and back, on a route I knew well so I decided to give it a try.  I managed it for three weeks until one week there was a significant delay and I was sat opposite a stranger who clearly though I was odd or something.  I was trapped in the window seat – I have not been able to travel that route since and have lost the chance to participate on on-going professional development.

Another time I decided to try and use the bus since I have a bus pass and petrol has become expensive.  I would normally use my car which keeps me safe from these anxiety triggering situations, but thought I would be OK because I was not travelling alone.  I was with my daughter who being very pretty and chirpy distracts attention from me without knowing it.  We made it into town without problems, did our jobs and waited for the bus home.  When I got on the bus I said where we were going and plus 1, and presented my pass which allows me to travel with a helper/supporter.  He asked me how many in an aggressive tone – I didn’t understand the question having given him all the necessary information and my anxiety escalated until I saw is face morph into a grotesque snarl at me and he let me on the bus anyway.  Now I know the morphing part was not real and just a stress induced thing – but the rest was.  Since then I have not been able to get that number bus in case he is driving.

Talking of morphing heads, there is a context where me and my husband are together.  We are regularly involved in this group.  A while back a minority had a very negative response to his work which has had a significant impact on the organisation and us as a family.  No-one knows who they are or why they did it.  This uncertainty of where I/we stand with people is extremely triggering for me.  When there it is not uncommon for me to look accross the 100 or so people in the seminar and see heads morphing into serpents and demons.  Though I know it is not really happening it is terrifying.  My CPN (John) assures me it's an anxiety/stress reaction and it should pass - but I wish it would pass faster!  In the mean time I put myself in that context as little as possible.

I am self-employed and am involved in the planning, managing and delivery of arts projects in the community.  We recently secured a large grant to deliver a county wide project.  This project has its own steering group.  One person on that group took a dislike to me when (as the top dog) I stood up to her and insisted on something she didn’t like so we stayed within the terms and conditions of the grant.  From that point on our relationship was unworkable, for her because she is stubborn and inflexible and for me because I was paralysed with anxiety.  In the end I had to recruit a new overall manager for the project and drop out of it completely because the anxiety was so intense I had had to start anxiety medication and I was at risk of becoming a danger to myself.