On A Cliff Edge...

Back in January, in an “Up” moment and aware of our financial precariousness, I applied for two jobs.  Much to my surprise I was invited to two interviews.

The first interview, as it loomed towards me got me thinking.  I realised that being committed to regular hours would, at the moment, be setting myself up to fail.  There was no way I could manage set hours plus DBT, which when it starts properly will involve 3 hours a week of therapy in a two hour and a separate one hour session, plus a minimum of three hours travelling time, plus homework, plus recovery from the emotional battering it seems to be creating.  I therefore withdrew my application. I felt pretty rubbish that with the equivalent of 2 degrees and years and years of professional experience I can’t even manage a simple job.

I was just swinging into a big low over this when the second invite to interview arrived.  This job gave me the option to choose from week to week how many hours I work and therefore the scope to work around my ups and downs.  I decided to attend the interview.  

At the interview my professional self graced me with her presence and so it went very well.  The upshot is I have been offed a job subject to CRB check (which I know is OK) and occupational health approval.

Occupational health approval!  Terrifying!  I know they are not allowed to discriminate on the basis of a diagnosis alone.   They can only turn me down on health grounds if the specific job would make me a danger/risk to myself or others.  What if they interpret my history of self-harm a  “a risk to me?”  If they do I am probably barred from working for years till I can prove it is a habit from the past (which it isn’t yet – but I am working on it through the DBT).  What if, bearing in mind the reputation a BPD label has, they just find an excuse to say no?

I don’t deal with rejection well.  I cope with failure even less helpfully.  When faced with being judged unfairly or discriminated against, I am a disaster!  

I feel as if I am standing on a cliff edge, waiting to be pushed off.