Change like the weather!

One of the most distressing aspects of BPD for me is the way my mood and the way I see myself and the world around me can shift between extreme opposites in a very short space of time.

I got up this morning, showered, got Jenny ready for school, had a proper conversation with Jo before he left for work, walked my dog and hung out the washing.  It was a great start to the day!

Then, with nothing I can pin point to trigger it, everything changed.  A bubble descended and settled around me separating me from the rest of the world making everything seem distant and unreal (derealisation in BPD technical jargon).  A sense of pointlessness overwhelmed me – what is the point of shopping, possessions, rushing around doing jobs, going to work.  Everything that keeps society as we know it running is meaningless.  Full of such thoughts I descended into a low mood and all the energy I had for doing anything drained through my feet into nothingness.  For a while (I don’t know how long), I sat like a zombie deep in my unwelcome thoughts. 

Suddenly I was brought back to the here and now by my dog (Jed) barking at something out the window.  I looked out and saw that just as my mood had changed, so had the weather.  Heavy grey clouds filled the sky which not long before had been blue and full of sunshine.This was like smelling salts as two practical thoughts burst the bubble I was trapped in.  The washing was out and the grass was getting long again, and last time I’d had to strim it because it was too long for the mower.  Full of energy I dashed out, rescued the washing and got out the lawn mower before the clouds emptied their heavy load making the grass too wet to cut again.  

Usually I find cutting the grass quite satisfying.  It isn’t complicated, it’s reasonably quick and you see a very good result for your effort.  Not so on this occasion. 

First, despite the grass being a reasonable length and dry, it kept clogging the blades.  This was frustrating me and I was starting to get angry, having urges to kick the mower and give up.  My self-control held out though, and in the end, on a more thorough search I found a twig trapped near the blades.  After removing that all was well – for a few minutes.

The second glitch was quite painful.  Our garden slopes downhill quite steeply making doing the bottom edge quite hard work.  It is easier to work with the mower pointing uphill than downwards or sideways.  As I walked backwards to get as near to the edge as possible I stepped too far, my foot went off the edge into the flower bed. I lost my balance and fell backwards so I was sitting on a rose bush!  Ouch!  Fortunately not with my whole weight as the fence broke my fall and save me needing embarrassing assistance to remove the thorns.

I recovered from that, swearing at myself for being so stupid – but got on with the job as now I could feel the first spots of rain.  I only had a couple of runs to go when the mower started to dig in the ground and not move across the grass easily.  I couldn’t work out why and was becoming frustrated again.  I turned and started to force my way, with an unwilling lawn mower back for the final run.  I had started and I was going to finish before the rain came in earnest.  I was half way back when I saw it.  There, lying on the grass was one of the wheels.  No wonder I was having trouble pushing the blasted thing.  I picked it up, pushed it back on the axle and hoped it would last till I finished.  It did.   

A few more drops were falling by this time so I rushed it back to the shed, losing the wheel again in the process.  It was a relief to have the job done.  I went back inside to have a well-deserved cup of tea.

As I sat with my tea, enjoying the view across to the mountains over the valley, something dawned on me.  The sky was blue and the sun was shining once more.  The dark clouds had passed by – and so had my mood (for the time being at least).

There’s a well-known phrase “change like the weather.”  Well, that’s me, and a big part of BPD.