Have you ever been so exhausted that you stop feeling anything and there is no point doing anything about it?
How many times have you gone about your daily business on auto pilot, just going through the motions?
When have you sat in a room with other people: colleagues; family; friends; customers – it could be anyone and felt that you have absolutely nothing to give?
I think, probably most people can relate to these things some of the time. Such feelings are pretty normal now and then.
They are a problem for me and others with BPD because they are overwhelming for much of the time. I often go about my daily business and my outer persona is just a brittle, empty shell covering the chasm inside me. Like a black hole of self-doubt and pain or an empty vacuum that draws bad experiences and circumstances towards it. They try to fill the hole but can’t because it is nothing, and you can’t fill nothing.
I’ve tried to fill it myself. Through my twenties it was adrenaline. Pushing myself beyond my limits doing adventure activities. My best attempt was taking up white water and sea kayaking because I was afraid of water. I my thinking was kill or cure, literally, and in the process I got the buzz of terror and survival which made me feel alive in short bursts. Although I took risks doing rivers and sea trips beyond my skill I didn’t manage to get killed or even hurt I just got better until I could not overcome my fear enough to take it a step further.
I became a Christian at 16, and my faith has helped me resist suicidal urges and tone down self -harm. I believe that Jesus came so that we/I can have life in all its fullness (and fullness includes the joy and the pain!) My faith is still strong and I don’t understand why it does not fill the emptiness – it just doesn’t.
I’ve worked my guts off for vulnerable people and marginalised groups – I probably have even made a positive difference for some people. At the same time I have felt little satisfaction – like a cog in a big machine, one that doesn’t really matter.
I thought being in a genuinely loving relationship, with two way love, would make a difference. However, despite the depth and strength of my husband’s love for me and me for him, it does not touch the sense of hollowness that pervades, in any consistent way. Having said that, I have just let my husband read this and he says,
“When you are at rock bottom, at your emptiest, you still give something to me. Especially when I am down too. Genuine love transcends your feelings, so when you are feeling bad and becoming protectively self-centred, you do so in a loving way.”
I find this difficult to accept. When feelings are so overwhelming it is hard to believe they don’t fully relate to the facts. This is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery for me, one I hope DBT (dialectic behavioual therapy) will help me address.
I have had various therapies over the years. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Psychodynamic Counselling, Narrative Therapy, Group Work and it has been a bit helpful to varying degrees. I have challenged thought patterns and negative beliefs. I’ve gained insight to how I am now from my past – but nothing changes the sense of nothing. Indeed, my failure to be significantly changed through hard work at these therapies has increased my sense of futility and emptiness.
I can say with confidence that I do not understand this dynamic. I can hardly explain it. It is beyond me. Long term change has so far eluded me. It is for this reason I see DBT as my last ditch attempt. I shall say more about that in a future post.
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