The Impact of BPD for me...

If you’ve read my introduction, particularly the bit that says, “ someone with BPD can have a long, happy marriage, bring up healthy balanced children and hold down a job” you’re probably thinking,

“So what’s the big deal?”  Therefore, I’m going to mention a bit of the impact just so you don’t get the wrong end of the stick.  This post relates to the following point from the diagnostic criteria. 

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Firstly, that long and happy marriage.  It takes hard work on the part of both partners to make a marriage work.  In a BPD marriage it takes the sufferer well out of their comfort zone and the partner needs to have the patience of a saint and love their husband/wife sooooo  much.

For example, my fear of abandonment and rejection is so great that I did not dare pursue a genuine relationship for more than 9 days (at which point I would coldly dump the poor chap) before it could happen to me.  I’m not quite sure how I broke this pattern (when aged 31) with my now husband – perhaps it was because he was also smarting from a rejection and we were therefore equally vulnerable.  Who knows?  What I do know is that when we made our vows:

I will love you in good times and bad.

I will love you when it’s easy and when it is not.

I will love you when love brings us close, and when love pushes us apart.

I will love you when my love is obvious and when it is hidden by my faults.

Please go on trusting me.

from

Patterns for Prayers and Christian Worship – Baptist Union of Great Britain

Oxford University Press, 1991

This has had to be the mantra of our marriage.  For example, if Joe (husband) should sigh when washing the dishes I will often hear,

“Lazy woman – she should be doing this.  I’ll be better off without her!”  Another time he will affectionately tease me.  One time I will laugh and tease him back, another, (and I don’t know which until it happens), I will be deeply hurt and believe that he must hate me.  I can wake up in the morning wishing I had died in the night then take my daughter at school where another parent may smile and be friendly, my mood will swing and I’ll come home singing, cheerful with a host of good intentions for the day.  An hour later the postman might bring a bill that we will struggle to pay, my mood will swing and the pointlessness and futility of trying to survive in this culture will overwhelm me and I will be back in the depths of despair.  These frequent and extreme mood swings are painful and horrible for me to cope and deal with, but they are equally awful for Joe to bear.  He watches it happen, helpless to stop it and stuck right in the middle of my stress, angst, fear, tears and irritability.  He supports me to stay safe and is her confidante when my daughter is confused and bewildered by my emotional roller coaster rides. 

These beliefs, thoughts and mood swings cause me much fear and distress and I am likely to fall back on my old friend / coping strategy of self-harm.  And before you jump to conclusions that this is manipulative and attention seeking behaviour, it is not.  I managed to keep my self-harm coping strategies secret right through my teenage years till I was 39 and the pressure of holding life together got too much and I asked my GP for help. 

The other side of all this – I mean, he would be mad to stay with me if that was the whole picture.  I offer him compassion and support when he is down.  I understand when he gets ignorant criticism and rejection from the people he works to care for and support.  I allow him to have bad days, because boy do I know what it’s like!  Those vows are a two way street – we meant them then and still do today.